A contented sigh. That's what I begin this Blog with. It's been a long, fulfilling day, and I am sinking into my full-sized bed with my laptop, my head propped up against the headboard. I remember waking up today, but it seems as if it was ages ago. I recall complaining to my roommate that my days were speeding by. Sure, during class the minutes ticked by with a pace so merciless it would make the most patient of us squirm, but at the end of the day, it seemed like everything passed so quickly. But today, ah today, was so different. I stretched and slowly rose from bed at a convenient 10:11 this morning. I munched on some Cap'n Crunch, watched a little TV, ran some errands, went to read at Barnes and Noble, and returned home feeling like the day had been a total success. Success in doing absolutely nothing of extreme importance. =) It's about time my days had taken a turn to uselessness. The past semester has been so entirely overwhelming with its pace and demands, I almost can't get used to the leisure time ahead of me. But oh, yes, you can guarantee I will enjoy every second of it.

The job search begins and continues. It's a little discouraging after my job hunt day with mother on Friday to still be at this place, waiting, staring at my phone, waiting for a call for an interview or job offer. There's that uneasy feeling at the back of my mind. You know, the one that tightens my throat, makes my stomach turn, my pulse quicken. Ah that fear of failure has never really left my system. Of course I would love a job, a chance to repay my parents and have a bit of cash on the side. Would be great! But, there's that part of me that wonders if I could do it? Could I keep up? Would I make mistakes? Gah. Suck it up, right? We'll see. I'm sure a summer job will be the best thing to happen to me since peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Mmm! =) lol.

More later I suppose. Rants. Musings. Rambles. <3
Now, I must absolutely go and finish catching up on Grey's Anatomy. The season finale is supposedly a killer. Pardon the pun. =)

-Asha

It's 3AM I must be lonely, and heaven she says babyyyyy....I can't help but be afraid of it all sometimes.
=) ah nineties music. As I lean back, head against the wall,  sitting width-wise on my Twin Extra-Long Bed, sighing and trying to ignore the aching in my legs, I realize that it's good to be back here. It's nice to know that something is out here to foster my terrible sleeping habits lol. My system must be pretty messed up. Awake all night, sleep til noon the next day. Reminds me of summer. Mmmmm. Summer. I can nearly taste it..that's how close it is.

I was just reading my last post. My my my.  A full year and I can't even begin to describe the changes, the pain, the joy, the fear that has inhabited my life for the last year. So, I guess one day, I'd like to be able to look back at my life on something other than facebook. Hah. The last year's worths of status updates could give you a good understanding of the coaster-ride it's been. Eventually, though, I'd like to do it justice here. If my gut is right, and sometimes it is, I think its time to begin my story on paper. errm...virtual paper? Heh. Anyways, thoughts of Princeton brought me back here tonight, erm, this morning? And I just realized the weird coincidence when I was reading my last post as it, too, revolved around Princeton. I shake my head, eyes closed, take a deep breath in. It hurt then. It really did. But two semesters at NYU (thats where I am now by the way. more later) made me feel like I was finally settling in, finally accepting the course my life has taken. And then, oh man, and then I went to Princeton this weekend to visit Enny with Jonathan. Just being back on Campus took my breath away. I don't think I've ever seen it in the spring, but of course we  picked the most beautiful day to arrive. The trees were in full bloom, the grass was a sickeningly perfect shade of green, trimmed to the inch, and people were out and about in their shorts and tshirts, flip flops and laptops. Outside, lounging in the Ivy-League lawns to get some work done. I admired the campus' beauty, but as we had picked Pre-Frosh weekend to arrive, I couldn't help but feel completely insignificant. Obviously, something was wrong. All of these kids, attending and accepted for next year, were better than me. That's all I could think. What was I doing here? I thought. They didn't want me. I wasn't good enough. Now, I know myself enough to know that my self-confidence teeters on  the edge of complete extinction most of the time, and that this feeling wasn't doing any good. I couldn't help walking around campus, thinking, THIS could have been MINE. THIS could have been MY life. Contemplating it on the train ride back, I didn't know what to think. But somehow, the minute I walked up the steps form the PATH station to 6th Ave and 9th Street, an overwhelming sense of belonging envelopped me. Woah, I thought. THIS is new. Smiling, taking steps to the music playing on my iPod, I walked back to the dorm within minutes, and I couldn't believe the overwhelming relief I felt to be on MY turf, MY bed, back to MY life.

So I guess I'll take it as a good sign then. Obviously, I still regret not being able to go to Princeton, and maybe the jealousy is something I will harbor for a while. But I've made a place for myself here. I identify myself with the all-too-close sirens echoing through the streets at three in the morning, with the random graffiti that are more like works of art, with the asian conveinence store next door. THIS, i remind myself. Is what is MINE. THIS. I don't look forward to the long two weeks ahead. They will be brutal and i know I will be tested and tried until there is no more of me. And I worry. I feel the bile rising up at the base of my esophagus. I feel the building anticipation, a growing sense of impending doom; the stress lingers, it lurks, it follows. At this point, the only thing left to do is to confront it. NYU, I am ready for you and your finals. So, I suppose that bit of closure was necessary. Love you Princeton, but I can't help but think that one day, NYU will love me.

For your entertainment, replace all Princetons and/or NYUs with boyfriends, girlfriends, relations of the like, considering this might as well be a "He's Just Not That Into You" moment.

As always, writing has camled the evasiveness of my sleep. The thoughts have calmed and I think can drift off now. Good night world. Or rather, Good Morning. I'll see you soon. =)

Well this is eerie. Haven't been back here in a while.
I'm not sure what prompted me to come back to this old thing, but it felt necessary.
If weblogs could show growth...lol...mine would show that a) my vocabulary has improved b) i have changed my outlook on certain aspects of life c) I have lost friends d) I have gained friends....e) so much more.

So I sit here on my laptop, contemplating. I rather enjoy rambling...even if its to no one in particular. I remember how xanga was my only obsession for a while--only to be replaced by an addiction known as myspace, and later the tidal wave that is now facebook. I guess I just missed going online and talking...even if it was to myself. These days its all about the best profile picture, adding applications, chomping zombies?, and leaving comments or posting on walls. I forgot what it was like to just talk for a while. And I don't mean the ROTFLMAOOMGWTFBBQADD that is AIM speak now. I feel kinda tired of the whole chatting scene as well as the aspect of maintaining pictures and profiles. Maybe thats why I wanted to revert to something where my words painted a picture of me...where my layouts reflected my moods...haha...where I could talk even if there was no one to listen.

So, like I said.. I'm contemplating. I'm wondering whether I should bother...I already feel better, I do admit...but I do tend to have a problem with committment. Whats to say I wont write again for another couple of months? Is this where faith in myself comes in? Haha..wait...who am I asking these questions to again? HMMM. Well. Even if I do keep it..there is the matter of my username. I made "MaluDancer" in like the 7th grade, and with me standing here..at the edge of college...the name doesn't seem to do it for me anymore. I feel like finding something more compulsive..something rather random...something .....haha..thought-provoking...or not.

I could just be purpledaisies101. I don't know. I guess something different.

Think different?

I like this.
I'm going to try writing in here. Feel it out. Test the waters. If i like it, i might stay. If not...maybe another Xanga or a Blogspot will be necessary.
Regardless....I'm going to be writing again.
for now,
Asha